lueur d'espoir
by swissaly
Summary: 'I wonder what would happen if I cut just a little deeper, would anyone notice? I wonder how long it would take them to find my body' Things had been turning around, he though he had found someone who truly cared about him, but it was all a lie
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

'I hate it I can't take it anymore!' Matthew Williams had had enough, he was forgotten again at school, he was given detention four different times because the teachers forgot who he was and wrote him up for skipping classes. Matthew ran up to his room slamming the door and locking it behind him. He had had enough. Matthew took the first thing he could grab and threw it across the room. The poor lamp never had a chance; it shattered, sending pieces of lamp everywhere. A shard flew across the room and cut the Canadian's cheek. Matthew barely noticed as the blood mixed with salty tears that ran down his face, he was too busy destroying anything in his path.

"I don't understand Kuma! Why does no one notice me, no matter what I do! Am I really that easy to forget…?" Matthew asked his stuffed polar bear he had had since he was a child, his only reminder of his homeland in Canada. Matt then picked up the bear and hugged it tight, crying into the soft fur.

"I cant do this Kuma…I really cant…" the Canadian sobbed into the bear. Matt then got up and pulled out a small black box, when he opened it, it had three small razors in it. 'It's been a year since I last cut…. I promised him I wouldn't cut…but he left me…'. Matt moved the bear so it was away from what he was about to do. Matt then took out a razor and said a quite 'I'm sorry…' before pressing the blade to his wrist and making a shallow cut. He watched as the blood flowed from the open wound, enjoying the pain it brought him.

Matthew had always been ignored for as long as he could remember; his older brother Alfred always stole all the attention. It wasn't Alfred's fault he got all the attention, the boy was just louder and more hyperactive than poor Matthew could ever be. Growing up, Matthew had lived in Canada with his mother; she was the only person who had ever noticed him. She had taught Matthew how to enjoy life, and most importantly how to make pancakes from scratch. All of that changed after his mom got breast cancer when he was 8 years old. After that his life changed. He was sent to live with his brother and his dad in America. He had only been living with his brother for about 3 months when his mom passed away, losing her fight with cancer. After the funeral, Alfred's father was given full custody of Matthew, and they moved to their permanent house in Florida. At first, he was remembered, everyone was fussing over him making sure he was happy, but as the years went on, he was noticed less and less. His father would forget to remind him it was dinnertime, Alfred wouldn't wake him up for school, small things that started to grow and grow.

One day when Matthew was 13, he was so fed up with being forgotten he had to get rid of his pain somehow, so he turned to bodily harm. At first, it was scratching when he became nervous or upset, then as time went on he started cutting, shallow cuts at first, once a week when the pain became to much, but then the feeding became addiction. Matthew started to cut everyday, several times. The cuts became deeper and deeper each time, and as Matthews's arms scared up, he turned to other parts of his body. Now if someone were to look at poor Matthews' body, they would find scars from his arms to his shins.

Today was no exception, while it had been a year since the last time he cut; the feeling was just as welcoming as he remembered. As the blood flowed from his arm, Matthew watched in fascination. 'I wonder what would happen if I cut just a little deeper…would anyone notice? I wonder how long it would take them to find my body….' Things had been turning around, he thought he had found someone who truly cared about him, but it was all a lie, he didn't care.

A year after Matthew had starting cutting he met Ivan Braginski, a tall Russian boy who took a liking to the Canadian immediately after meeting him. At first the shy Canadian was intimidated by Ivan, running away from him and avoiding him, but as time went on, he bonded with Ivan, even becoming friends with the boy. Eventually Ivan asked Matthew out, and for the next year, the two dated. Matt shared everything with the Russian, from his dreams of being a chef, to how he would cut almost everyday. Ivan made Matthew promise that he wouldn't cut anymore and that the Russian would be there for him. A year of pure bliss passed for the Canadian while he was with the Russian.

By this time Matthew had just turned 16, after Matt's 16th birthday though, things started to change, Ivan wouldn't return his calls, he stopped waiting for him at his locker, and would just avoid the Canadian all together. Two weeks ago, Ivan broke off their relationship, stating that the Canadian bored him and that he had found a nice Chinese boy he liked better. Matthew later found out that Ivan had been cheating on him for almost a month with Yao, the Chinese boy. At first Matthew was devastated but he promised himself that he would not cut. But now, he didn't care anymore.

Just as he was about to put the blade back to his wrist there was a loud banging sound from next door. Matthew jumped off his bed and went to the window. A moving truck was unloading next door. 'Huh that's weird…. we must finally be getting new neighbors…. not like it matters, they won't notice me…or remember me…'. Matthew went back to his spot on his bed and picked up the razor yet again, he pressed the cold metal to his wrist about to make the cut when the doorbell rang downstairs.

Matthew quickly wrapped up his still bleeding wrist with gauzes, put on his over-sized red hoodie and opened the door. What he saw stunned him.

Standing at the door was one of the most handsome, yet frightening young men Matthew had ever seen. He had silver almost white hair, and startling ruby red eyes. He was tall; around 5'10, and well built, not overly muscle but built nonetheless. He was smirking down at the Canadian as Matthew tried to think of a coherent thought other then how good this strange young man looked. Matthew was about to say something when the young man beat him to it.

"Like what you see? Keseseses I know I'm awesome but really, aren't you going to say hello?" said the strange man and that's how it all started, how Matthew's life was flipped upside down.

A/N: ok so this is my first fan fiction in… forever several years in fact. This is just a prologue, let me know how it is, I wrote it quickly and at night so ignore the spelling and grammar mistakes I just wanted to put it up and see how it goes.

It is a Prucan story…. obviously… it is one of my favorite parings Review, if I get good review I will continue the story if not, hey at least I'm getting back out there eh?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: ok so I'm happy with the reviews from the first chapter thanks! I realize the first chapter was a little…odd with how it flowed but half way threw I changed where I was going with the story, ill re-write it soon enough. Spring Break is coming up and so I am quite busy right now so this will be the next chapter for a while. :) **

Chapter one

"_Like what you see? Keseseses I know I'm awesome but really, aren't you going to say hello?" said the strange man and that's how it all started, how Matthew's life was flipped upside down._

At first Mattie was shocked, his face colored a nice red, a mixture of embarrassment and anger. How dare this stranger make fun of him! His day was terrible as it was.

"S-shut up! Who are you anyway?" Matt replied in his loudest voice, which really wasn't all that loud.

"I'm the AWESOME Gilbert! I just moved here from Berlin with my Vatti and Bruder! They said I was being a pain in the ass and sent me over here to meet the new neighbors," smirked Gilbert as he introduced himself. "So you going to tell me your name or stand there and stare the whole time?"

"M-my name is Matthew Williams…." Matthew said shyly, still getting over the shock of Gilbert's 'awesome-ness'.

"Nice to meet ya, though you're not as awesome as me", Gilbert said as he then pushed his way into Matt's house and looked around the place. "Nice place you got here, I like it. Hey, I'm hungry you don't mind me getting some food do ya? No, of course not!" Gilbert said happily as he started to raid the Canadian's fridge.

"H-hey! Don't do that! Just because you got kicked out of you're new house doesn't mean you can bother me! Get out, get out!" Matt all but shouted at the albino.

"Geez, you freak out just like a bird! Keseses~ I'll leave for now but I need to unpack my awesome room anyway!" Gilbert proclaimed as he left the house, taking some leftover pizza he had found in the fridge.

After Gilbert left, Matt slammed the door and rubbed his forehead. He had never met anyone so annoying in his whole life, well, except for his brother maybe, but hey you can't chose your family. After a few minutes Matt went back to his room, he was about to pick up the razor again when he heard his brother slam open the door downstairs.

"MATTIE! I'm home! Dude did you see we're getting new neighbors? Like totes cool! The one looks kind of weird though he has red eyes! Totally freaky…" Alfred rambled on essentially shouting as he walked up the steps to Matthew's room.

Matthew quickly hid his razors back in their black box and threw the box under the bed; seconds after he did this, Alfred burst through the door.

"Mattie I'm hungry so I'm going to make hamburgers, you in dude?" Alfred asks

"Uh…no thanks Alfred…I uh…ate…" said Matthew as he looked at the floor

"Well ok dude, oh and I'm going out tonight so I'm taking the car!" Alfred shouted as he went down the steps to the kitchen.

'He always goes out…. leaving me here alone…even on the night Ivan broke up with me…I wonder if he even notices my arms…or the fact I'm losing weight.' Since Ivan had broken up with Matt he had lost a considerate amount of weight because he was never in the mood to eat, not even his delicious pancakes.

As the night went on Matthew sat alone in his room with his polar bear. His dad was off on a business trip to New York City.

As the night went Matthew grew more and more depressed with his loneliness, and spent the time crying to himself and making fresh cuts on his legs where people wouldn't find them.

'Why am I so worthless…. why does no one notice who I am…I bet even Gilbert will forget who I am by tomorrow…no one remembers me for more then a few minutes…'.

**Next Day**

Matthew was going to arrive at school late, not like it mattered much, the teachers never noticed him if he walked in late. As Matt was walking to school he heard an obnoxious voice coming from behind him.

" HEY YOU! Yeah you! You're my neighbor! Mattie right?" yelled the loud Prussian as he ran up to matt.

"…Actually it's Matthew… but yes…" That was really the only thing Matt could say, he was in shock that the albino had even remember his name, he looked away in embarrassment as Gilbert slung an arm over the shy boy's shoulders.

"Keseses~ so, Mattie, where are you going?" asked Gilbert taking no notice of the smaller boy's discomfort.

"I-I'm heading to school…and can you please remove your arm from my shoulder?" Matthew said in the strongest voice he could as he tried to shrug off the arm.

"Haha! Me too! The awesome me is too awesome to wake up on time and make it to school," Gilbert said as he tightened his grip on the Canadian boy's shoulder, and then let go when the meek boy sent him a glare.

"Me being as awesome as I am, will walk with you to school and grace you with my presence," stated Gilbert, and after that there was no arguing with him.

The walk to school was tense and awkward for the small Canadian. He desperately wanted to get away from the hyper and narcissistic Prussian, the pace that Gilbert was dragging him was hurting the cuts on his legs and he was worried they would open up.

When they finally reached the school, Gilbert ran off from Matt yelling, "Keseses ok I'll see you later Mattie!" With that, he disappeared into the main office.

"...Yea ok…" Matt trudged to his first class, which was his least favorite class because he had to sit right next to Ivan. Matthew shyly sat down in his seat and put his favorite red hoodie on, hiding his face from Ivan.

"Good morning Matvey," said Ivan as he turned to Matt.

"…M-morning Ivan…" Matthew spent the rest of the class day trying to avoid looking at Ivan as he texted under his desk to his new 'boyfriend', Matthew thought bitterly as he laid his head on the desk. When the bell rang he got up from his seat and headed to his next class that was his absolute favorite. It was cooking, but there was one downside to this class…. his perverted cousin Francis.

Francis didn't always notice Matthew, which was fine with him. When his cousin did notice him it was normally to grope him or just be a creeper. Today was one of his lucky days; Francis seemed distracted by a new play toy. The shy boy set up his things and made the assignment for the day, which happened to be a Crème Brule.

After that class, the day pretty much held no significance. He went to the rest of his classes and none of his teachers noticed him today. While he didn't get detention, none of the teachers called on him or noticed when he got up and left.

Matthew left the school, trying to sneak out quietly without being found by his brother. Thankfully his brother was bothering a British boy. As Matthew started walking away, an arm was suddenly slung over his shoulder. Matt froze, his face becoming bright red.

"Hello birdie! I saw you walking all alone so I thought I'd be awesome two times today and walk with you back home!" Gilbert all but shouted to Matt, who was right next to him.

Matthew didn't say anything but took the albino's arm off his shoulder. While he appreciated being noticed, he wondered why it had to be by such a loud, annoying person. The odd duo walked back to their houses.

"Hey birdie, I'm going to hang out at your house, ok!" stated Gilbert.

"W-what! Oh no..nonono.." Matt panicked; he had had a rough day and just wanted to be alone in his room with his razors.

"Too bad! Vatti and Bruder said I'm not allowed back in the house for the day…" Gilbert said, his face dropping slightly; but the characteristic smirk was quickly back in place.

"…Fine…" Matt unlocked the door and let himself and Gilbert into the house. "So you get kicked out of your house often….?" Matt asked timidly.

"Haha yea I'm so awesome they just can't handle it…" Gilbert then quickly changed the subject, "So what do you have to eat? I'm starving!" He then proceeded to raid the fridge.

Matthew noticed how Gilbert's faced dropped and how he quickly changed the subject. He was curious as to what was happening with the albino.

A few hours passed where Gilbert made himself at home on the couch watching TV while Matt cleaned up, and then joined him.

"Keseses, hey birdie." Gilbert then slung his arm over the small boy's shoulder and pulled him close.

"W-what are you doing Gilbert!" squeaked Matthew.

"Nothing, being awesome!" the Prussian pulls Matt closer, causing part of his sleeve to rise up revealing the scars the Canadian had acquired over the years. When Gilbert saw the scars he stiffened up, and let go of the small boy.

Matt realized what happened, got up and stared awkwardly at the Prussian.

Without another word, Gilbert got up and left the house without saying anything at all.

Matthew felt tears prickle in his eyes, and the next thing he knew he was sobbing. Without another thought, Matt ran to his room and pulled out his black box and grabbed a razor. Matt slid the razor across his wrist again, and again, and again.

'Why! Why does this always happen…. He just looked at me…. And left… I don't even know him and he hates me…. I would be better off dead…' Matt watched the new cuts as they bled, enjoying the pain it brought him.

For the next hour Matt sat in the bathroom and watched his arm bleed, when he started to feel dizzy from blood loss, he cleaned his cuts and wrapped his wounds.

Alfred failed to come home that night. He texted Matt that he was going to hang out at his British friend, Arthur's, house.

That night, Matthew started planning his last day.

**A/N: hmm abrupt ending…odd. Anyway, y did gill react the way he did? Only I know!...and I don't actually know yet haha **


	3. Chapter 3

_That night, Matthew started planning his last day._

'I think…. I think I've got everything set,' Matthew thought to himself as he looked around his room. He spent the night cleaning his room; even if he was going to die it did not mean he should leave his room a mess for others to deal with.

Matthew decided he would go to school one last day to return all his books and organize his locker. '10 hours, Matt, that's all, you can do this…' With that thought, Matthew took a shower, put on his favorite red hoodie, and walked to school.

On the walk to school at least a dozen people bumped into Matt as he walked down the street. It was nothing new, he was used to it. When Matt finally arrived at school he was 20 minutes late.

Matt went to his locker and started organizing and cleaning it out. He spent about fifteen minutes fiddling in his locker before he decided it was time to go to at least one more class.

The class Matt chose to go to was his cooking class since it was his favorite. The meal they made that day was brownies. Francis left Matt alone, too pre-occupied by the loud-mouthed Italian.

Matt took his time making the brownies perfect, he figured he could distract Alfred longer if he left brownies on the kitchen table. 'Tonight…that's it, almost there, Matt, few more hours…'

When cooking class let out, Matt shuffled into the hallway after it had cleared out. He walked slowly out of the building. He decided he was going to go to the local hockey rink one last time.

Matt stopped home to grab his gear, rental skates sucked so he wanted to use his own. Matt paid for free skate and tied up his skates. He got on the ice and started doing laps as a warm up. He does at least 10 laps around before he stops. After that, Matt grabs his stick and a puck and does rounds with the stick.

He practices his slap shots, speed skating, stick handling and agility one last time. 'I think…I will really miss this….' Matt thinks to himself as he starts packing up his things to get off the ice. The lonely Canadian then waves good-bye to the workers at the rink and leaves for the last time.

Matt decides to go for a short walk in the park. He walks slowly examining all the colors of the trees, the sky, the grass, everything. He is determined to take in everything before the end. Matt wanders down the path for about ten minutes before he decides to rest on a bench.

While on the bench, Matt watches the clouds pass by, and as he watches them he can't help but think of how things were when he was little with his mom.

_"Mattie, hunny, let's go watch the clouds," Matthew's mom said as she picked up her young son and carried him outside. She lays them both down on the grass outside and looks up at the clouds. "What do you see, Mattie?"_

_"uh…I…see a…. fluffy cloud," replies Matt._

_"Well I see a brave lion tamer, and to the left is the fierce lion he must tame. And over there I see a bunny in a flower bed," Matthew's mom says as she looks up at the clouds. She pulls Matt into her arms and points them out. "You just have to open your mind and use your imagination, hunny, then everything is possible."_

_"OK, mommy," young Matt says as he snuggles up to his mom. They spend the next few hours laying and looking at the clouds. After this, every week Matt and his mom would go outside and look at the clouds. This went on up until the day his mom died._

Matthew wiped the tears from his eyes as he thought about the past. He truly missed his mother and wanted nothing more then to see her again. 'Soon….soon I will see you again, mom…' thought Matthew.

After about an hour had passed, Matthew got up from the bench and headed home, it was now or never. As he walked home, he could feel the nerves in his stomach intensify. He was really going to do this.

When Matt got home, he made some dinner for Alfred; it wasn't fair that even if he died, Alfred shouldn't have dinner. After the food was made, he went up to his room. He was hoping the food would also distract Alfred long enough when he got home.

Matt slowly went into the bathroom and grabbed the bottle of prescription pain relievers that Alfred got last year when he had broken his leg in football. 'Ok, Matt…. You can do this…'

He slowly unscrewed the top of the bottle and dumped out 5 pain pills. After getting a glass of water, Matt swallowed all 5 pills at once. Before the effects could take place, he grabbed his razors and cut his wrists over and over making at least a dozen free-bleeding cuts. He sat down in the bathtub and watched as the blood flowed from his arms into the bath.

As the pain pills started to take affect, Matt started to lose all feeling, there was no pain, no hurt, no anything, just pure bliss as the red rivers flowed from this arms. It felt like hours had gone by when only a few short minutes had passed. Matt was starting to black out from blood loss and the high amounts of pain pills.

**Gilbert's POV  
><strong>'Where is Birdie? I haven't seen him all day…I'm worried. I shouldn't have ran out like that yesterday…' Gilbert thought as he walked home from school. He had spent the whole day trying to catch a glimpse of his little birdie.

'I tried to find him before school but the awesome me woke up late and I missed him…' Gilbert had 'awesomely' woken up an hour late for school. 'I should have told him the reason last night… I need to find him, I'm worried…he has so many cuts.'

Gilbert quickly made up his mind and ran to Matthew's house in hopes of speaking with him. He knocked on the door a few times and rang the doorbell. 'Huh…Well, I'll just let myself in that's all,' Gilbert thought as he opened (read: kicked) the front door.

"BIRDIE! The Awesome Me has graced you with my presence! Keseses," Gilbert shouted into the house. "Birdie…?" gilbert went into the kitchen to find food out to be eaten but no matt.

Gilbert started to get worried he ran though the house "Birdie! Birdie where are you!" he kept looking finally he went upstairs. "Birdie? Matt come on where are you? Are you mad at me? The awesome me is sorry?" gilbert tried.

Gilbert finally got to the upstairs bathroom and tried to open the door but it was locked. 'fuck matt'

"Birdie! Open the door!" gilbert yanked at the door till he finally just kicked it in. The scene in front of him was a gruesome one. When gilbert opened the door the first thing he noticed was the blood and open pill bottles on the floor. The next thing he noticed was a pale young man laying in a pool of water and his own blood with the life slowly leaving his body.

"MATT!" screeched gilbert as he ran over to him. He pulled the young man out of the water and put a towel over him. Next he ran out and called 911 so that an ambulance would be on its way. After that gilbert checked matt for a pulse, it was faint, so agonizingly faint but it was there, and he was alive. After gilbert checked that matt had a pulse he started wrapping his wrists to try and stop any remaining bleeding coming from them. After that he had to wait, matt was unconscious the whole time.

It will amaze Gilbert later how clearly he was thinking during this time. The next few hours were a daze to Gilbert. He went to the hospital with matt when the ambulance arrived but since he was not immediate family he was forced to wait in the waiting room for hours as Matthew was evaluated and treated.

Gilbert spent most of the time pacing back and forth waiting for any news. Was matt alive? Did he die? Was gilbert to late to save him? He just wanted to know damn it!

Gilbert paced for what seemed like days when a doctor finally came out so see him.

"Gilbert? Is there a gilbert out here?" called an older man in a white doctors lab coat.

"ME! That's…me I'm Gilbert.." Gilbert said shakily as he approached the doctor. His hands were shaking so bad he did not think he could even hold a pen at this point. "Is….is he alive?"

"Barely" replied the doctor. "You're lucky you found him when you did other wise the results might have been different. We contacted him family but they will not be able to make it here for a few hours. Till then they have given you permission to visit him" stated the doctor.

"But I will warn you, he is begin kept he on a 72-hour hold to evaluate his psyche, and if this will happen again. If we think he is a risk to himself and those around him he will be kept here longer and moved to our psych ward."

Gilbert just nodded, he understood, he understood better then anyone else. "C…can I go see him now?" asked gilbert tentatively.

"Yes but he is resting right now, he is in room 3013" with that, the doctor walked away.

Gilbert walked to the room he was told and opened the door, the first thing he saw was a weak sickly looking young man on a bed. When he walked in more he noticed that Matthew was tied down to the bed with restraints and that both his arms were bandaged all the way up to his elbows.

Gilbert pulled a chair to the side of Matthew's bed and sat down in it. He took hold of one of his hands and held it close. 'Matthew…. I'm so sorry I walked out on you the other day…. Completely un-awesome of me…'

Gilbert sat at Matthews's bedside for hours waiting for him to wake up but eventually he had to go home because visiting hours were over, but he promised the next day he would be back and explain everything to his Birdie.

**A/N: ok….so I'm one of those authors apparently, and this chapter took forever but I had serious writers block, along with spring break and school work. I hope this chapter makes up for it ! Next chapter will explain almost everything! Ill try and have it up ASAP! Till then, HASTA LA PASTA!**


	4. Chapter 4

…_but he promised the next day he would be back and explain everything to his Birdie. _

_**Next Day**_

When matt woke up the next day, he was confused. His head hurt, his arms hurt, his mind was a little fuzzy. When he opened his eyes he was in an unfamiliar white room. Matt started to panic when he realized he had no idea where he was. That is when he noticed he is strapped down to a bed. Matt started to thrash more trying to free himself but to no avail.

Once matt calmed down a bit he stopped to really think about what happened and where he was. 'The last thing I remember is falling asleep in my bathtub…. my life was almost over why!' matt thought as tears slowly slide down his face. 'I cant even kill myself right! I'm such a failure!'

As he looked around the room he noticed no one was in the room. 'Great…. I bet Alfred and dad are to busy with their lives to even come and visit me… why am I such a fuck up…' The tears continued to fall from Matt's eyes.

'how did I even get here…. Obviously dad and Alfred didn't bring me…who found me…?' thought matt. His question was answered a few minuets later when gilbert shyly walked though the door with some flowers for the young Canadian boy.

At first Matthew paled when he saw the albino man walk though the door. He had though gilbert didn't care, that's why he had walked away from him and hadn't spoken to him in school. Then matt was just confused, why had Gilbert brought him flowers? Its not like it's his fault this happened…well maybe a little.

"w-what…." Asked Matt

"I…I'm sorry birdie…. For walking out on you the other day…. It was totally un-awesome of me…and I… Should have known something was wrong and something like this would have happened I'm sorry…. W-when I found you in your house…pale and d-dying I ….I was so worried." Gilbert continued to ramble until matt slowly reached forward with his one free hand to grab hold of the flowers and Gilberts hand.

"…It's…. ok Gill…. but… why did you save me…. no one cares about me… you should have let me die…" said Matthew softly not meeting Gilberts eyes.

"I care! I do matt even though I just met you…I care…" Gilbert said taking hold of Matt's hand and holding it.

Matt just sat there in the silence not sure what to say to Gilbert. Instead he just put a little pressure and squeezed Gilberts hand in his own.

"Birdie…. Let me explain why I…. why I ran away from you house the other day…. Please?" asked gilbert, begging with his eyes to explain him-self. Matt could only nod and watch the albino.

"Ok…so…I have a younger Bruder, I mention him before he kicks me out of the house as well as my Vatti. You remember?" asked gilbert, again matt just nodded. "Have you seen him? At all in passing or at school?" this time matt shook his head no, he hadn't.

"Okay…. well he is totally un-awesomely…. taller then me…. by a few inches…. He's like 6'3! He's also really strong looking, big tough guys, German looking to the T. Blonde slicked back hair, and blue eyes. Can scare the crap out of any one who looks crossly at him. Here I have a picture" gilbert pulls out a picture of Ludwig from his wallet and shows matt.

"Wow…this is your little brother?" Matt's eyebrows were raised to high they were covered by his hair.

"Yea yea. …Back to the point.." Gilbert said as he blushed a bit in embarrassment. "Anyway…. A few years back … He came out of the closet… and my Vatti didn't take it so well…. originally. By this point I had already told him I was bi. But He saw me as so much as a screw up that he didn't care. But his precious perfect son Ludwig gay…. He just lost it." Gilbert started to look down by this point and hesitated but was determined to finish the tale.

"By this point…. I was already drinking, and being a rebel, I just wanted his attention, even the negative attention. Pretty Un-Awesome of me I know, but hey. I was loud obnoxious and got in a lot of trouble, but it wasn't until Ludwig came out that I was brought back down to earth."

"When he first came out I was not there for him, I protected him from Vatti by being even worse, but I did not protect him. I would just tease him and then leave to go drinking…"

"After a year went by I started to notice Luddy would only ever wear long sleeves, even in the summer or when he would work out. I thought nothing of it, he was a strong kid, barely 15, and so I just let it go. A few months after that…. I got the call."

"It was June 9th… I was being my normal self, out drinking and partying with my friends when I got the call from the hospital that…. that Ludwig was there… he, he had tried to kill himself. I rushed over there as fast as I could and it…was horrible. He had these horrible ugly…. ligature marks on his neck…. He had…. tried to hang himself he couldn't…take being alone and ignored. A big strong guy like him… and it…hurt me, I was changed. After that Vatti and I…. took great care of him. But I had changed."

"I stopped partying and drinking ever night, I took to being in my room. I blamed myself for what had happened. If only I had paid better attention to him…. If I hadn't ignored him…. Maybe he would have been happier? So…. I also started to cut…. and…. I did until Ludwig discovered it. He was disappointed in me and gave me a talking to but…. Then he hugged me and he helped me though it…." By this point a few tears had fallen from Gilberts eyes, as well as Matthews, and they held each other's hands tighter as the story drew to a close.

"So…the other day when I saw your wrists all the marks I just…. freaked, and all the memories flew back to me and I just did what I do best…. I ran away." Admitted Gilbert softly. He looked at the wall he couldn't look his birdie in the face.

Matt gently rubbed circles with his thumb on the back of Gills hand. He was still processing everything that he was just told.

After a few moments of silence Gilbert spoke up again "Please don't do this again Matt, I care about you…. And I don't want to see you hurt like this again, its…. totally un-awesome…."

Matt stared at gilbert for what seemed like forever before he finally spoke. "I-I…I'll Try…. If…. you don't leave me… I will try." Promised Matt.

A slow small smile broke out over Gilberts face, he gently cupped matts chin and placed a small soft kiss on kiss lips, his face quickly going red and looked away. Matt's face exploded into a bright fiery red when Gilbert kissed him. His heart monitor jumped, causing him to be more embarrassed.

"Keseseses glad to know you liked it Birdie" Gilbert said smiling happily down at Matthew. He promised from this point on he would protect Matt.

**A/N: NOT THE END. Ok just…putting that out there this is not the end of the story yet. I still have a few things planned that will bring everyone in to the story again. So yea, Reviews are loved. If I don't get enough reviews then I wont update. oh btw the title means Ray of Hope in french, i think i used a translator. **

**Hasta la Pasta!~**


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